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“We human beings are social beings. We come into the world as the result of others’ actions. We survive here in dependence on others. Whether we like it or not, there is hardly a moment of our lives when we do not benefit from others’ activities. For this reason, it is hardly surprising that most of our happiness arises in the context of our relationships with others.”
~ Dalai Lama
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For my mom, finding people she could relate to was the key to joy in her life. In addition to the many friends she had kept in contact with from long ago, she had the knack of making new friends wherever she went. From the time I was a child, she always encouraged me to create friendships, and this continued to the time of my visits with her in the nursing home when she was in her nineties. She would always make sure that I was visiting my friends while in town, often asking who I was seeing and where we would be going to eat, then appearing quite excited to find out how my dinner went when I visited her the next day.
But, moving into a nursing home at age ninety-two, after a one-month hospitalization that left her without the ability to walk and in need of more daily care than the assisted living community was able to provide, posed a very large challenge to her social connections. She had created many friendships over the several years that she had lived in that community, and some of her long-time friends had even moved in. Not only did she miss those friends, but a stroke a few years prior made her speech harder to understand, and she could no longer move around independently to find the people she felt she could connect with, making it much more difficult to find new friends. Plus, many of the residents in the “household,” where her room was located and where she ate her meals, were cognitively impaired, and those who were mentally sharp didn’t seem to have the patience to try to understand my mom’s speech. This created an even larger obstacle to her ability to make new friendships, which was critical to her quality of life.
I had flown up from Texas to New York about one week into her hospitalization. Later, when she was admitted to a nursing home in Connecticut, I decided that I needed to stay a bit longer to make sure that she acclimated to the new environment, which included helping her to find new friends. My mom loved to go outdoors on sunny days, and, as it turned out, it was a very mild and sunny October when she moved in. So, every afternoon, I brought her to the patio outside of the main lobby. While we sat there, I would look around for potential social connections for her. I noticed that there was a group of people, made up of residents and their family members, who often sat together and seemed to know each other.
One day, I brought my mom over to them and introduced her, letting them know that she had just moved in; she was very sociable and understood everything they said, but it might take a while for them to understand her speech. They welcomed her warmly, and so my mom and I found them to sit with again the next day and the next. By the time I flew back to Texas, she had her group of friends — and so did I. Having this group of friends made all the difference in my mom’s quality of life. She called them “the group,” and she developed closer relationships with the other members as they became better able to understand her speech. My family made sure that she was brought downstairs every day by 3:00 p.m. to join them wherever they were, inside or out, depending on the weather. They kept an eye on her and let me know if there was any issue they thought I might need to know about. They also ensured that she was signed up for all the parties, special dinners, and scheduled concerts.
The family members in that group became the core of the virtual family council that I later organized, and we kept in touch when I was out of town. They frequently sent me photos of my mom enjoying a special dinner or a party. And even though it’s been a year since my mom passed, those family members still stay in touch, making time to meet me for dinner when I visit my family and long-time friends in the region. Not only were they there for my mom, but they became a support for my family and me — and have remained such.
On a recent visit, when three members of “the group” met me for dinner, they revealed what I had assumed was an already formed group that was assembling daily actually became an organized group when I brought my mom to sit with them day after day when she first had moved in three years ago. My mom’s presence and desire to spend time with the group inspired them to create a more consistent group and ask for special permission from the administration for space to meet indoors despite the continuing pandemic. They told me that, once they had formed this group, they looked forward to seeing each day on their visits to see their loved ones and felt supported by each other. That “group” continues to meet daily, with new people joining all the time, and it remains a great support for all of them.
I’m amazed at the synchronicity of how this all happened — and how my mom’s participation in this group, which brought so much joy to my mom and my family, has greatly improved the quality of life for the other members of the group. This speaks to the magical power of social connection in helping us to live a more joyful and purposeful life — no matter our age.
You can read similar blogs by Dr. Mara and listen to her internet radio show. Now also on Apple Podcasts. Check out Dr. Mara’s internationally best-selling book, The Passionate Life: Creating Vitality & Joy at Any Age, now available on Audible! And be sure to follow her on Facebook!
