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In this season of giving, I want to gift to you Chapter 18 of my book, The Passionate Life: Creating Vitality and Joy at Any Age, in which I discussed the amazing power of kindness and generosity.
One of the stories I told in this chapter was that of my experience several years go, while on a visit to my mom. While there, I went to buy a slice of pizza at a “pizza place” in the Bronx, right down the street from the assisted living community where my mom was residing at the time. As I was enjoying the pizza, it began to snow and what happened next filled my heart and fed my soul…even more than the delicious pizza that brought back memories of growing up in New York. My book was published in 2018 and on a visit back to see my mom, I dropped off a copy at that pizza place. The owner of the restaurant wasn’t working that day, so I left it with a note for him to read the part of Chapter 18, where he was mentioned. When I stopped back at the restaurant a few days later, he recognized me from the photo on the cover of the book and his face brightened. He had tears in his eyes as he told me how grateful he was to have his kindness recognized in my book, but that it wasn’t anything he thought about because this was how he was raised by his mom while growing up in Albania. I don’t feel that he needed my recognition to inspire him to continue to be so kind, but I’m grateful that I had the opportunity to let him know that he was seen and appreciated, as well as how his kindness had affected those of us who had received the gift of witnessing such kindness.
Kindness and generosity, including when shown toward people whom we don’t know, who look different from us, and who may speak with a different accent, can bring so much light into a dark and stressful time in the world. And it can be the spark to light ourselves up from within, bringing joy and vitality into our own lives. It even touches those who bear witness to such kindness.
And, now, please enjoy my gift to you:
Kindness and Giving without Expectations
Chapter 18 of
The Passionate Life: Creating Vitality and Joy at Any Age
by Dr. Mara Karpel
“We make a living by what we get, but we make a life by what we give.”
~ Winston Churchill
* Note: You can also read Dr. Mara’s blog on Medium.
I took my mom shopping one day on one of my recent visits to see her in New York. We found ourselves crossing the street at a busy outdoor shopping mall. There were cars stopped and waiting for us in both directions at the crosswalk, as we ambled across, my mom with her walker, watching her every step to make sure that she didn’t lose her footing on the uneven ground. I was concerned that the drivers might become impatient and start to move before we had safely made it across. When I looked over at each of the drivers waiting for us, one waved to signal he was waiting patiently and the other opened his window. “Take your time,” he called out. “You’ve earned it.” Smiling, he pointed to my mom, “She has earned it!”
“Yes, she has,” I thought and smiled back. When we arrived at the store that we were looking for, a passing shopper came over and opened the door for us, as I helped my mom navigate the steps at the threshold. I had thought that the woman was heading into the same store we were, but when we got inside, she did not come in with us and kept walking. I realized that she had just walked over with the purpose of helping us.
These might seem like very minor good deeds, but the results of these acts of kindness were significant for us. The research shows that the minor hassles in our daily lives are responsible for greater feelings of being stressed out than even those events we consider to be significant stresses because stress is cumulative. Encountering people throughout the day who show kindness toward us, even in small ways, has the powerful effect of counteracting some of that stress. If those drivers had honked their horns for us to hurry or if no one had helped to open the door of the store for my mom and me, I would have felt frazzled and exhausted by the end of our shopping excursion. Even worse, my mom, feeling anxious about the challenging situation, might have taken a disastrous misstep.
Instead, we both felt more at ease and enjoyed our stressful shopping excursion. And, having been on the receiving end of kindness and generosity of spirit, we both felt inspired to be kind and generous toward people whom we met. In fact, the positive effects have continued long since that day. Not only that, but I bet those kind people, experiencing all of the health and emotional benefits of their generosity of spirit, have continued to feel inspired to be kind in their own daily lives, further effecting the lives of others. And so, with this ripple effect, they have begun a cycle that will create a kinder world.
The above acts of kindness are in stark contrast to my experience on the airplane on my way to New York for that same visit. On the last leg of my trip, the man next to me sat sprawled in his seat, as well as across half of the space in front of my seat and the armrest between us. And he never once acknowledged the presence of a person sitting next to him; he never once looked at me. While he wasn’t outright rude, his lack of consideration was far from kind. Although I’m a relatively small person and he was tall, the assumption that he was entitled to half of my leg and arm space, without the slightest recognition of my right to have some room or that I was even sitting there, was disrespectful. I arrived at my destination feeling stressed out, irritable, and angry with myself for not having asserted myself to ask for a little consideration and space.
What I’ve noticed is that such boorish behavior has become more of the norm, while the acts of kindness that I mentioned have seemed to become less common. It appears that, in many ways, we have become a more selfish, self-centered, and, even, meaner society. Many rarely go out of their way to help others without wondering, “What will I get out of this interaction…behavior…gift?” Companies—that we believed were there to help us—have placed more emphasis on the bottom line than on serving the greater good. Our social media interactions have become cold and often threatening. As a society we just might be at a breaking point. We will, either, come together in the spirit of kindness or we will completely disappear down the rabbit hole of an “each person for them selves” mentality.
Yet, all is not lost. There are many who have been awakened and who have made a conscious effort to choose the former, rather than be fated to the latter. I tend to be an optimist about this and there is recent evidence that my optimism is not unfounded. I have witnessed more and more people asking, “What can I do to make a difference in the world? How can I be of service?”
Many retirees are choosing to go back to work or to volunteer in ways that will have an impact on the world, helping those who are most in need. Furthermore, many young people are now choosing careers, motivated by the goal of being impactful global citizens and making a “difference,” rather than filling their own bank accounts. There is a unifying realization among us that we don’t want to live in an angry world and that the antidote to meanness is, as Ghandi said, to “be the change you want to see in the world,” and intentionally engage in acts of kindness and generosity.
Benefits of Kindness and Generosity
Acting with such benevolence isn’t all about self-sacrifice. The acts of kindness and generosity (I will use generosity and kindness interchangeably, as kindness can be called generosity of spirit) actually have many benefits to the giver. Several recent studies have found that being kind and generous increases our ability to cope with physical pain and symptoms of chronic diseases. Volunteering has been associated with significant decreases in blood pressure, stomach acid, and cholesterol levels, and increased Immunoglobin-A, which boosts our immune system. In fact, volunteering has been correlated with a lowered risk of mortality in older adults, decreased symptoms of stress, and better sleep. This is due to the phenomenon called “the helper’s high,” which is a release of endorphins (those natural mood- elevating and pain-reducing chemicals produced by the brain) when we engage in an act of generosity.
At the University of California, a study conducted by Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky found that acting in a kind manner actually increases the serotonin in our brain, which is a key neurotransmitter responsible for our mood, energy, sleep, sharpness of thought, digestion, and health. Therefore, generosity of spirit can be more effective than taking an antidepressant for increasing our feeling of well-being, eliciting a more positive mood, and increasing our feeling of self-worth, as well as improving our ability to learn, our memory, our sleep, and our health. The students who participated in her study were asked to commit five random acts of kindness per week over a six-week period. At the end of the study, these students were found to have an increase of 41.66 percent in their level of happiness. In another study conducted by Harvard University researchers, those people who volunteered time or money to help others were found to be 42 percent more likely to rate themselves as being happy.
Finding Meaning
One of the most powerful things we can do to find meaning in our own lives is to help others. “Since depression, anxiety, and stress involve a high degree of focus on the self, focusing on the needs of others literally helps to shift our thinking,” says Lyubomirsky. “Having a positive effect on someone else can increase our self-esteem and give our life a greater sense of purpose.” There has been an ongoing study at the University of Notre Dame, led by researchers Christian Smith and Hillary Davidson, called the “Science of Generosity Initiative.” Their discoveries have shown that those people who demonstrate more generosity tend to have a greater feeling of purpose and meaning in their lives and to feel emotionally happier, and physically healthier. And finding meaning and purpose in our daily lives brings greater enthusiasm to pursue our own dreams.
Psychiatrist, Dr. Viktor Frankl, learned from his experience as a prisoner of two concentration camps during the Holocaust that those people who were the most resilient in this intensely horrific situation were those who found meaning by helping their fellow prisoners, giving of themselves, even if all they had to offer was a crumb. He said, “We must never forget that we may also find meaning in life even when confronted with a hopeless situation, when facing a fate that cannot be changed…when we are no longer able to change a situation…we are challenged to change ourselves.” As Dr. Frankl taught, if we find a way to give meaning to our own circumstances, by helping others, we can prevent deep despair in ourselves, and we can be part of the solution when faced with even the hardest of challenges.
The Benefits to the Observer
On a winter’s evening, I was enjoying some Italian food at a local pizza joint in the Bronx, down the street from my mom. While it was a staple growing up in New York, I don’t get to eat much authentic Italian food in Austin, so this was a treat and a walk down memory lane. It had begun to snow, which was another treat that I don’t get to experience much in Austin. It had been a beautiful walk through the snow to get there, but as the snow came down more heavily, the sidewalks became quite slippery in this hilly neighborhood. And older man had come into the restaurant for a bite to eat after shopping along the avenue. He was carrying many packages. I overheard him ask the owner of the restaurant for the phone number of a taxi company to get a ride home, which, apparently, consisted of navigating down a steep slippery hill with his packages.
“Forget the taxi,” I heard the owner say. “They’ll charge you at least ten dollars. My brother will drive you home.”
Out walked his brother from the kitchen, keys in hand. “C’mon,” he said to the appreciative man. “I’ll drive you home.”
The restaurant was full and everyone there had witnessed this interaction. We were all smiling at each other, sharing in a mutual glow and feeling of warmth from the inside. I couldn’t eat for a few minutes, feeling too choked up from joy. My chest felt open and my body was tingling. “That was really nice,” I said to the owner.
“That could be me some day,” he replied. A glow appeared to be about his face, as well.
Dr. Jonathan Haidt, at the University of Virginia, coined the term “elevation,” to describe the emotions that all of us at that Italian restaurant shared with each other, upon observing an act of kindness. “Elevation is elicited by acts of virtue or moral beauty,” wrote Haidt in Flourishing: Positive Psychology and the Life Well-Lived. “It causes warm, open feelings in the chest and it motivates people to behave more virtuously themselves.” He describes the hallmarks of elevation to be “warm or tingly feelings, positive [mood], and a motivation to help others,” upon “witnessing a good deed.” Haidt quotes Thomas Jefferson in his writing, “When any…act of charity or gratitude, for instance, is presented either to our sight or imagination, we are deeply impressed with its beauty and feel a strong desire in ourselves of doing charitable and grateful acts also.”
Another study found, what researchers referred to as, the “Mother Teresa effect.” In this particular study, it was found that participants had an increase of Immunoglobin-A when viewing videos of Mother Teresa helping people. The researchers concluded that, just by witnessing acts of kindness, our immune system becomes strengthened, having a significant beneficial impact on our own health.
As a Spiritual Path
As you can see, the benefits of simple acts of kindness are plentiful and powerful. When someone acts kind to us, we are more likely to feel inspired to act kindly. This effects the recipients of our kindness in the same manner. And so the kindness spreads further and further. Not only that, but it inspires those who witness such acts to act more kindly, themselves. According to the Oxford Dictionary, kindness is defined as “the quality of being friendly, generous, and considerate or a kind act.” Wikipedia defines kindness as “a behavior marked by ethical characteristics, a pleasant disposition, and concern and consideration for others. It is known as a virtue and is recognized as a value in many cultures and religions…Aristotle defines it as being ‘helpfulness towards someone in need, not in return for anything, nor for the advantage of the helper himself, but for that of the person helped.’”
This discussion of kindness dovetails really well with my earlier discussion of meditation and mindfulness (see Chapter 12, “Finding Our Way to Happiness with Meditation”) because, as we become more mindful, we are more likely to act with more kindness. Furthermore, as we act with more kindness and generosity, this leads to an increase of compassion and an understanding that we are all connected. We then become the change in the world…creating a kinder, more peaceful, world. “Compassion is our deepest nature,” writes Jack Kornfield in The Wise Heart. But, we sometimes lose sight of this understanding and compassionate nature within us, getting caught up in our fast- paced, “me first” society. Consciously performing acts of kindness and generosity can be a powerful way of uncovering our own compassion and remembering our connection to each other.
I want to point out a very important piece that I didn’t mention earlier. This is that, in each of the stories of kindness and generosity that I told above that I was either the recipient of or the observer of, every single one of the individuals involved—the drivers at the mall, the woman opening the door, the Italian restaurant owner, the recipient of his kindness, and the witnesses, and myself—were all of different races and/or ethnicities, all with different accents, skin-complexions, and cultural backgrounds. This is key because it drives home, even more so, that we really are all connected and that acts of kindness remind us of this interconnectedness. In each of these instances, it felt as if we were all “in it” together, even though we were all strangers. Everyone in the Italian restaurant looked at each other and smiled, aglow and tingling, and it was as if, for that moment, we all knew each other. And we really do all know each other, don’t we? Deep down, we all have the same desire for wholeness and connection. And compassion is our true nature for all of us.
“In a world menaced by all kinds of destructiveness, loving- kindness in deed, word and thought is the only constructive means to bring concord, peace and mutual understanding,” Parami: The Buddhist Home writes in their article, “Compassion and Loving Kindness.”
Kindness and generosity are seen as core virtues in most religions and spiritual paths, and may be key to saving our world. In Christianity, St. Francis of Assisi is known for saying, “For it is in giving that we receive.” The Buddha taught that when we give to others, we give without expectation of reward, we give without attaching to either the gift or the recipient, and that we practice giving to release greed and self-clinging. Persian Poet Hafiz of Shiraz said, “Even after all this time the sun never says to the earth, ‘you owe me.’ Look what happens with a love like that. It lights the whole sky.”
English essayist, Samuel Johnson, reminds us that, “The true measure of a man is how he treats someone who can do him absolutely no good.” And so it is with this attitude that we embark on a path of giving.
Ways to Give
The catch is that these benefits are only available to us when we have no expectations of receiving anything in return for our generosity or act of kindness. “Whatever the gift,” Peiro Ferrucci writes in his book, The Power of Kindness: The Unexpected Benefits of Leading a Compassionate Life, “one precondition is essential: To offer, in the moment of giving, all of ourselves. Generosity that is unwilling or cold or distracted is a contradiction. When you are generous, you do not spare yourself.” The research shows that the expectation of something in return, including the recipient’s gratitude, that they do something in return for us, or that our gift be used in a way that we think it should—even following them to make sure that they are actually in dire need of our gift of money—all diminish the benefits to us when we give.
In their book, The New Health Rules, Dr. Frank Lipman and Danielle Claro recommend, “Forget pay-it-forward or anything about karma. This is just about being nice and good with no expectations of reciprocity or personal gain. Let someone cut ahead of you in line, listen to someone who needs an ear, give a compliment you really mean. Make your default mode one of generosity. It’s a nice way to live and it’s contagious.”
“We can contribute a bit of our time, a small donation, a book we have already read,” writes Ferruci. “Or we can donate blood or bone marrow, or a huge effort, or a large part of our savings.” Try volunteering at soup kitchen or a non-profit. Give money or objects to someone in need or to a charity that you feel strongly about. Give practical help or advice to a friend, neighbor, or stranger in need. Make someone who is feeling blue laugh. Whatever you give, whether it’s time, money, or help, doing it without expectation or judgment will create benefit, not only to the receivers of your generosity and to the community, but the biggest benefit might be to you. As Ferrucci writes, “After it, we will be poorer, but we will feel richer. Perhaps we will feel less equipped and secure, but we will be freer. We will have made the world we live in a little kinder.”
In 1988, The World Kindness Movement, a Non-Governmental Organization of the United Nations, introduced World Kindness Day. This is celebrated around the world on November 13th every year. On that day, we’re invited to commit at least one random act of kindness. However, since it turns out that performing random acts of kindness and generosity is good for our health and can make a positive impact on the world, imagine the power of making such acts a daily habit.
Together, we can heal ourselves, and the world, one generous act of kindness at a time. And living in a kinder world, increases our own creativity, as well as greater progress as a society, greater development, and improved well-being throughout society. Finally, as the late great folk singer, Pete Seeger, said, “Being generous of spirit is a wonderful way to live.” That’s surely enough of a reason on it’s own.
We are certainly living in unsettling and uncertain times. But, I strongly believe that love prevails, even when things appear bleak. Our relationships with our friends, families, partners, and, especially with ourselves, are fortified by our kindness and generosity, our willingness to give up the need to be right, and by our abiding acceptance of others and of ourselves—warts and all. These strong bonds are what provide us the strength and ability to create joyfulness in our lives and to remain rooted, even when on the shaky, changing, shifting ground of what we call life.
Read the rest of the international best-selling book, The Passionate Life: Creating Vitality & Joy at Any Age, by picking up your copy in paperback or on Audible or Kindle.
You can read similar blogs by Dr. Mara at her website, where you can also listen to her internet radio show, now also on Apple Podcasts. And check out Dr. Mara’s chapter (also Chapter 18), Empower Yourself in an Ageist Healthcare System: How to More Effectively Advocate For Your Loved One, in the new bestselling book, The Caregiver’s Advocate: A Complete Guide to Support and Resources, Volume 2, now available on Amazon.
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