“Tips for Caregivers, Near and Far”
March 13, 2018
Tip #13 – Have Direct Discussions
In my recent blog for ThriveGlobal.com, Five Tips for Caregivers Near & Far: Top Tips from My Weekly Series, Tip #4 was, Decisions Can Often Be As Clear As Mud. I wrote, “Whether your loved one lives with you, in the same time zone, or thousands of miles away, there are often big decisions that need to be made involving their care, living situation, medical procedures, medications, etc. Often, the right choices are not at all clear.” It was pointed out to me in a comment that I had not written about considering the care-receiver’s desires in my suggestions for dealing with this issue.
Indeed, that is a very good point. In the case of my own mom, who is 89 years old and lives in an assisted living community, she is competent to make her own decisions about care. She absolutely has the final word in any decision. But, having said that, she does depend on us, her children, to do the majority of the research and then present it to her with the reasons that we may feel one way or another about the various options.
Asking your loved-one what they want is a crucial piece of the decision-making. If they’re competent, they have the final say and should be part of the process of coming to the decision. But, how about when your loved one can no longer express how they feel or participate in the decision making? This is an extremely difficult situation. It was, in fact, the situation with my dad, when he became ill. He could no longer verbally express himself and we were in a tough spot, having to figure out what he would want if he could tell us, with regard to medical decisions. We had to base all decisions on what he had told us in conversations we had over the years. This didn’t always feel accurate and led to feelings of guilt that we might not be honoring his wishes.
To avoid this, it’s best to have the direct conversations with your loved ones while they’re clearly able to express themselves. Also, have the discussion with your own children (or anyone who you think might be a caregiver for you when you need it) while you can. This is really more like a series of discussions and can evolve and change over the years.
Write down your wishes in a health care proxy or a living will. This will help tremendously to take the burden off of your loved one’s shoulders when such heavy responsibilities arise.
Talk, talk, and talk some more. What should you talk about? “Mom, if this were to happen to you, what would you want us to do?” It’s as direct as that. It’s uncomfortable, yes. But, trust me, it’s much more uncomfortable when the time comes for these decisions to be made and the conversation has never happened.
To listen to a discussion of topics similar to this one and a variety of interesting guests, tune into my internet radio program, Dr. Mara Karpel & Your Golden Years.
And keep your eyes open for news right here and HERE about my new book, The Passionate Life: Creating Vitality & Joy at Every Age (with chapters on this topic) coming to your favorite booksellers THIS year!!
For more of my blogs, check out ThriveGlobal.com.
Stay tuned for more tips!! Check out all of my blogs, read about my internet consulting service, and check out my internet radio program with expert guests, right here on my website.
